TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically known for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed through the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully outside of area. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Indeed, confident, let us have One more place exactly where American Adult males can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer Every person a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It's that he ought to stop using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the project, replied, "You know, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Good tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from Area, a attribute being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the making's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor with the tower Trump Tower Damascus is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They can Come"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting notice from Global traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have flip-down provider."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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